Sunday, June 26, 2005

AH!!! I'm stupid!!

I have this stupid crush on Joe when I know he does NOT want a girlfriend due to his job. Or just plain doesn't want to date me. But lemme ask ya this...WHY am I still in his life?? I have no clue. The man is fucking nuts, I tell ya! BUT...I can't help but REALLY like him alot and be turned on by him.

I keep saying to myself, I should just leave him alone and move on with my life. But then I say to myself...what if...what if... I don't want to regret not having atleast REALLY attempted to date him or be intimate with him. I really don't want any regrets when it comes to my friends and more. I try NOT to think about him all the time, but eversince we started talking again at the beginning of the month, after I moved, I've been gradually thinking about him in terms of..."Oh Joe would find this hilarious!" "hehe, he'd like that!" "Wonder what he'd think of that" "Does he need help for moving?!"

Because he's such a private man, he doesn't talk much or ask for help much. Everyone initiates it when it comes to him. SO I dunno.




That's the man. *sigh*

*pauses to give herself a moment to think*

Ok, how about this. I can be his friend, but I will NOT sleep over anymore. It's too temptating. We'll see what happens. I think I need to start sitting on the other side of the couch cuz if I wanted to lean on him a bit while watching the movie, my hearing wouldn't land on his shoulder and I wouldn't hear a thing. So...I should try my left side and see how that goes.

I feel so stupid...really stupid. On a whim the other day, I sent him a text message asking him if Saturday was the official moving day. Hadn't heard from him yet. So I e-mailed him the day after I sent the text message to ask him about his phone number. But that's IT. I don't want to crowd him. I don't want to pressure him. I just want him to actually want to be around me.

Ah crap, I answered my own damn question! If he actually wanted me to be around him, I would be there right now. But obviously I am NOT. He doesn't want me around. He's just being polite cuz I happen to be "disabled". Fuck.

I need to know EXACTLY why I'm still here. "here" being in the loop in his life. Ack.

Somebody make me a shirt..."I'm stupid today!"

posted by Roselly @ 9:42 AM